The title of this blog describes my two tattoos. On my left arm is a small, and pretty feeble tattoo of a bleeding rose. I actually wanted a broken rose, but I was a wimp and only wanted a very small tattoo and the man who did the tattoo explained that to do a broken rose would mean a more elaborate tattoo, so I have a naff bleeding rose on my left arm! Broken rose is a name I began using in e-mails etc about 1o years ago. I had a friend in college and she and I had intentions of starting a band with that name. The band never happened, mainly cos I cant actually play bass as well as I would have liked at the time, but I have kept the use of the name and it always reminds me of her.
Hearts and wings is what I have tattooed on my right arm and this tattoo is very special to me. I woke up today, and was sat on my bed. I found myself stroking my tattoo and paying a lot of attention to it, when normally it is just there and I hardly notice it. Then it dawned on me. Today is the anniversary of my first miscarriage. I got the tattoo soon after the miscarriage so I had something to remember the baby by.
I have a lot of guilt associated with the loss of this baby. I hadn't known I was pregnant. I was going through a rough time. I was finishing my English degree and my youngest daughter was very young and still breastfeeding. I put any tiredness or sick feelings down to stress.
I remember sitting with my husband one evening, just before it happened and I could swear I was getting sensations that felt exactly like a baby moving. It was bizarre but my husband and I agreed that if I was pregnant and far enough along for me to feel the baby moving, I would know about it. So to say it was a shock is an understatement.
I won't go into the details of what happened, other than to say it was the most horrific experience I have ever had. The 'care' I receieved at the hospital was just appalling and it makes me seethe when I think about what was allowed to happen to me.
But that is not important today. What is important to me today, and what will probably be the main focus of this blog, is that my loss, and the second miscarriage I had in May (which was awful of course, but no where near as distressing as the first one I had) have made me apprieciate the two girls I have. I feel so grateful everyday when my girls are both safe in their beds and my family remains together.
So much of the focus of this blog is likely to be on my children. I imagine that this blog is going to contain posts on various other things and thoughts. Life as a Mum, student, librarian, and of course, my obssession with Lush!
Family are what make the world go round and though I am not lucky enough to have all my family close by, I love them all dearly and miss them everyday.
